The little talkative boy used to talk a lot about what he thought. There was only one ear for him to listen. An old man he called grandpapa, was the only one who loved his thoughts. The only one who, listened to him in a careful way.
The boy told his story about his newest thought. Grandpapa was sitting close to window looking out to the landscape outside while there was no sign of attention he was thinking carefully about what he was telling. He used to be quiet while he was talking but the boy was always waiting for the end that he told his ideas about what he had thought. To him it was the best part of his life. Moreover, it was the routine way of their meetings.
He loved thinking maybe not because of the beauty of thinking itself but because of the words, he used to hear from this old man after each conversation they had.
What grandpapa told him was leading him to newest things. It let him to think over them and build some thing new on them.
The last time he was talking with him he had wonderful ideas. He was so pleased with himself, and what he had discovered. He was talking too fast because he wanted to hear his ideas sooner. He finished but there was no reply from grandpapa but a smile and a gesture of his hand showing him the exit door!
He thought that maybe he is tired and needed to rest so he left immediately.
He tried to think about some thing new. Nevertheless, it was not easy. It was years that the advice of grandpapa had shown him the way to new things.
He could not find new things but he could not go to him with out new things. It was a secret rule between them and he could not break it.
It took a lot time until he could find some thing new or in other word a good excuse for meeting the loving grandpapa.
He went to him and talked for an hour but at the end, the same with last time happened.
What had happened to him? He asked himself but could not find any answer.
However, the fact was that he loved him so much that could not forget about him easily. Therefore, he continued thinking. He was used to the new situation and he was happy that at least grandpapa was listening to him.
The last time he was talking with him he realized that grandpapa is looking at him enthusiastically, with a great smile. Then he realized the way he is looking at him was very different from former time.
With this new look, he had realized that some thing must had been changed. Then he saw himself in the iris of grandpapa, he was not that little boy anymore he got older and maybe it was the reason of that strange look.
Therefore, he supposed it was a new trick of grandpapa.
He continued to this way with this hope that he was listening to him as he did before. However, it did not take much time until he realized the reason of his silence. The poor old man had become deaf, and he could not hear his ideas any more! He just pretended listening to him but it could not be continue forever.
He realized all this time he was talking in vain to void. He was not able of hearing him.
It took a lot time until he could understand what has happened to him, he was a lone and it was the only fact.
He had two choices: one to forget about that nice old man and live his life without him and the other to continue his life in this new way with out any reply.

Let me tell you about the advantages of poverty:

First, I want to categorize people to two groups; one those people who in my idea (of course at moment) cannot understand any thing in life [I consider that living must be accompany always by thinking] or in other word damn people. Next group is consisting of intelligent people.
I believe
Damn people are enjoying their life with considering their physical needs such as, eating, having fun, and entertainment and…
Intelligent people are those who attention to both physical and mental needs. With mental needs, I meant studying, searching, investigation and in short trying systematically to gain or discover something.
Now
Pay attention that one of the most beautiful advantages of a poor human is that he or she has not got any place in one of these two groups.
Reason:
For enjoying yourself, you need money.
For education and learning, you will need even more money!
So if you are a poor intelligent person, the situation became worse, because the unbearable pain of staying the same will be add to previous sorrows.
Therefore, if I forget about the damn poor people, I can say the intelligent poor people must be place at the middle of my categorization.
There seems to be no way for them to find a place in a higher rank. it can not be justice.

Strange Experience

I had a strange dream last night. I have seen all the people I have met and all things I have the done in my life during this dream. Moreover, I have experienced my death, I was scare full because I was thinking what would happen for me after dying and I could not realize. I have always though death is something really usual and natural but what I have experienced was frightening. Where I was going? What would happen to me? After that, I dreamed I was falling from sky to earth but when I was going to crash to it, some one put me calmly on the earth and it was when I could feel I am in my bed and sleeping the nightmare was over.

Down

I am coming down and downer. Maybe it is the only important progress in my life.

The way they have grown me; I mean parents, schools [I have experienced many of them in my lifetime] and the religious believes which have been spreading all over my life; In my parents training, the school courses or the friends who has been growing in this routine way and … all this have made me to stay above in the sky and I had no idea that it might be a wrong way in living life.

Nevertheless, I am trying to come down and live where has been built for me. Where can suite my desire and willing. I am trying and I have been successful to some extent, but the best time of my life will be that moment which I could come down completely. When I can feel the earth with my feet closely. When I feel I am a real part of it.

suicide

When I cannot find any reason for living:
Do I have this right to kill myself?
Of course, I haven’t got any special reason for killing myself at moment! Nevertheless, what will happen in future?
Can I kill myself while I can hardly kill a fly!

With the hope of finding the answer of my questions, I started reading book. I read many book in relation to my thought to find my answers. At first, reading that entire book seemed so impossible to me and I thought if I could read them all I could get the reason of…
Now I almost read all what I planed to read and I could not find any answer in them the only things these books have given me is more question and doubt!
To my wonder those books which had won Nobel were worse than others in increasing my doubt. The writer of those books has won a prize because they add much more doubt to this world? It seems so ridicules!
According to the religious believes I can wait for a good life after death but all these are ridicules, I have realized one thing for sure:
I must forget about what this country and religious has learnt me. There is only a single life for me that is what I am performing, it is what I believe. According to this belief, I knew that all these moment, has made my life and nothing else!
Nevertheless, why I can’t use this moment? Why I can’t enjoy them or at least comprehend them?
I have thought about every thing and every one in my life but I have forgotten my self completely. I live for every one but myself and now even a hard try wont help me much what should I do?
Actually, I knew what my duty is: I have to find my self and as he said, try to develop and develop. I have to start studying and working. To become able of living a life in solitude. but how can I do this? How can I forget those help full people and put them aside?
With studying and develop myself in this way I’ll gain some thing that I won’t lose till the end of my life so it’s more wise able to act in this way but it will be so hard for me. There are people, who I feel so close to, and I love their ideas and I respect their friendly advice so much that I will not be able to forget about them simply. Nevertheless, I cannot think about them as much as I am doing now! I am destroying my life because of them and ………….

I really love to write sth tonight I am used to this way and I love to write here not in my notebook!
But I don’t know what to write maybe I love to write about the lamentation of my life but I don’t love to think about my sorrow I haven’t thought much about it and I won’t do that, and following my new decision about my life I can’t let myself thinking and writing in my old way.
The realities and facts of this life r showing themselves more and more in the shape of material. Moreover, I am thinking that every thing could be defined as we can observe them and there is no need to hide our ignorance with sth as spirit, soul… and there is no need to think of religious as a saving hand [I don’t believe in any religious and its long time that it has happen to me and I feel so good actually].
Of course it’s my idea without any evidence but it is a long time that I think there is nothing above in sky and all the facts relating to our life is here among all this material we r living in and we have been created from!
Of course, I am not a materialist but it is a fact that I will not be an idealistic person.
My god is here in the earth I am living in

At 10 pm

We r going to have another new year our lovely Norooze is coming but this year every thing seems so different from what it has been the way I can look at this world and the way I can comprehend and interpret it I feel I got older much more than before and this time I do not need any one to tell it to me and confirm it. I am going to reach to190cm height if every thing goes in its correct way! since last months it has been the only wish of mine!
We have good traditions for Norooz. One of them is that before its arrival we clean all around I can remember that last year I did the same with my room and I tried hard to make some frames for my painting to put them on the wall, on that time there were so important to me and this year I put them in the trash basket, because they were not important any more! It is the way of life
As time passing the most beautiful and important things in ones life lose their beauties and become replace with other things there is only one permanent being in my world: that is absolutely me...…